where it all began
So I'd like to just tell sort of my life story in how I got to the point of where it all began, in which the life history is a significance to how I've been influenced into institutions, and reality of mental health/psychiatry.
So I was adopted at birth, and grew up with 2 parents until I was roughly 6 years old. From birth until then, I would enjoy my time at some points like all children, but of course, there was conflict with my other sibling, and having been subject to the family system as all of us have. There were specific traumatic situations in this stage of my life, where I had an experience with wanting to explore sexual expression that I saw on a movie with my sibling (obviously as children we explore and learn what we immediately see and pick up on, so at the time this seemed fine, which in essence was fine), my sibling went to go tell my father what i was doing, which it seemed they had a bit of a better understanding of why it was "bad" to be doing that, in which I then was very afraid of getting in trouble, within seeing the context of when why my sibling was going to go tell the father. long story short, the father came in and spanked me, yelled at me, and punished me for doing this. Now as we all believe mostly, is that there's nothing wrong with punishment. The reality is, is that punishment is a way of enslaving someone to do something in what they perceive to be "right", in which teaches the child to go into an enslavement process for the parents to take full control of the child, in which the child eventually will have to submit to the enslavement. Children obviously stand up for themselves many time, and at all times, they are trampled and fucked into the enslavement system, into the sins of the fathers that their parents learned, in which those children will teach to their children, and further on down the gene pool. So anyways, this was a big point of where I had perceived the punishment as me being "bad", and the expression I was trying to express as "bad", and therefor, this was simply something I mentioned, because it was a turning point in my life as traumatic as it ws being so small and being in such a vulnerable state of expressing sex with a sibling, in which I feared my father even more.
So another turning point was when I saw that the cat that my parents had as a pet, was suffering internally/ I saw the reality that animals could see the abuse in this world, and reflected the atrocities in which the family system operates, and this world system operates as a whole - war, famine, manipulation through bullshit such as love and light, and positive messages and "I'm doing it because I love you, and therefor you should love me to, I'm the authority over you, you are my child" in which I have discovered the dynamics of how the system in this world as a whole function, and being around my family so much, seeing how this operated in the family to keep each other enslaved from actually standing up for what's best for all life/best for themselves as a living expression, a life essence. So I saw that the animals could see this point, in which I responded by feeling helpless of what I was seeing, yet had no tools or direction to define what it was I was purely experiencing as a child, and as most children, they simply are passified by the parents through bullshit information, in which becomes apart of the preprogramming of children when they become adults, in which I obviously was equally influenced by.
Now already, we see that there is a separation within ourselves from who we are. There's moments in our life when we were small innocent children, where we would explore and try to express ourselves, but the parents would create a split personality system within the child through their words, their behaviors towards the child, and the resonance of themselves in that the child picks up, and at this point has fallen into having given up on their life essence and purity "so to speak". This shows that there's definitely something wrong in the system we currently live in. have a look - half the world is starving, and no one bats an eye, the tv tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, the school system is a military authoritarian system which will make sure at all cost that we never are self directive and strong as functioning living beings, the family structures are mostly abusive as there are family rivalries, gossip in the family, separation in the family, there's war and famine in which innocent people die by the thousands per day in horrific deaths, and the very family structure is the core problem, and creation of all of this.
So back to my life progress in age, and where my influence to where I came up to where it all began in the process f mental health.
So at the age of 6, my parents divorced, which this seemed very traumatizing as well at the moment, in which my mother had made it to be "not a big deal, this is just mommies and daddies issues and we must simply divorce", in which this created even further suppression within everything that I had been preprogrammed up to this point. I'll make the story a bit more simple a quicker since I've laid out the context of how we are all preprogrammed as children until adult hood, 28 years old specifically.
So the school system was certainly apart of my life. throughout elementary I went through many experiences that would define who I was "meant to be" today, which in reality I do still have some of those memories and experiences in which are the fundamental parts of my mind conciousness system today. it really started when I was in junior high as I realized more of myself, and was becoming more self aware of the mind, as at this age more thoughts would come up as they wouldn't as a younger child, and obviously the whole survival based system of who's superior in the school as male or female was being installed into my ideas and belief systems as "who I should be", as well as the installment of what the schools would brainwash each children into believing. In 8th grade I finally smoked weed. Oh yes, it was a nice experience, in which I would listen to music when I first smoked, and of course didn't understand what I was experiencing on the weed. However, it was a changing point of my life, because, as all drugs feed the mind consciousness system, they obviously will escelate the problems as they suppress emotions in which are self destructive, and yes, even the positive ones. So throughout 8th grade until 12th grade, I became more self conscious, in which I started to question things like - "why are we so mean to eachother?", "why do I have certain feelings", "why is the world the way it is?", in which I started to become extensively depressed, and would have a falling low point in my life as a teenager.
Eventually I graduated early at a school that allowed students to get through school quicker, because I simply couldn't handle the school system, the peer pressure. It was simply too much for an adolescent that was seeing the world more for what it is to handle, in which at this point I still very much had an extensive point of confusion about the world.
To take it back to my earlier ages, say around 11 years old. I have always been into music growing up, but finally picked up the guitar at 11. This influenced some creative practical thinking skills, in which helped develop my personal intellect. It was a point eventually though, where I would start researching videos on musicians like Andy Mckee, Jimi Hendrix, and would start entering a world of music. Eventually I would start coming across information about conspiracy theory videos when I was looking into music, which immediately sparked my interest as I had questions about how the world really was. I came across a man as many may know named Alex Jones. this was the life changer as to where I lead up to where it all began - desteni.
One night I was researching videos on conspiracy theories involving potential false flag attacks on the Olympics in 2012 in london. I came across a video by a man named "Marley dawkins". He was talking about all sorts of of the wall shit like "love is bullshit because no one in this world FOR REAL loves eachother, its all deception, the Olympics conspiracy thing is simply a distraction from discovering the change within ourselves" shit that I absolutely couldn't conceive as anything, as I've never been taught the vocabulary or context of what he was even saying. This obviously busted my preprogrammed little mind bubble. "OH NO, I CAN'T LOVE MY MOM, I HAVE TO GIVE IT ALL UP", lol. Obviously I saw this as clear truth, because the reality is, is that we all use love and light and bullshit to hide from the real darkness of it all, to go from high, and then to low, and then to love, and then to sad, or anger. The brightness keeps the slaves blind "so to speak"
So after watching the video, I remember him mentioning a group of people called "desteni". I went to the link he had for the group, and ended up finding the group through facebook. This absolutely changed my life. This group was talking about all sorts of shit I didn't understand. Stuff like "what's best for all life" and "world equality". I had no context of how that would even be possible. Obviously I was searching for answers, and so I began investigating a little bit, but not much, as I started applying a tool that they were teaching and posting called "self forgiveness". So I would immediately start to write "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself - whatever point came up within myself.
I didn't fully understand how self forgiveness worked, and so I would just do it as what I thought it was supposed to be done like, which really I was doing it write, but its a skill within itself after all to understand the full dynamics of how it effects ones mind consciousness system, and what one must understand how it transcends fears into living expression.
So I would post vlogs and Blogs of my self forgiveness and what I was experiencing and going through on my fb wall, and on the forum, until eventually, I met up with a man. He had told me "the group is bullshit". Obviously this threw me off being 17 years old and in a vulnerable state of being open to all information and seeing what was "the truth". So I reacted, and went into panic "oh no I don't know what is real or not", in which I started questioning the group about what it was teaching, in which I still didn't understand even when they supported me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I would voice suicide to the person who told me the group was bullshit. he called the cops, and off I was to my first mental hospital stay.
I will continue the blogs every day/night. I'm a bit tired and running out of energy, and so I will end here. I will send a link to the desteni group here, and one may investigate themselves for what they find in the group. Regardless, I will continue with my personal process with desteni, and mental health, and go into where the real intense and fucked up experiences mentally came in through this blog.
Thank you.
So I was adopted at birth, and grew up with 2 parents until I was roughly 6 years old. From birth until then, I would enjoy my time at some points like all children, but of course, there was conflict with my other sibling, and having been subject to the family system as all of us have. There were specific traumatic situations in this stage of my life, where I had an experience with wanting to explore sexual expression that I saw on a movie with my sibling (obviously as children we explore and learn what we immediately see and pick up on, so at the time this seemed fine, which in essence was fine), my sibling went to go tell my father what i was doing, which it seemed they had a bit of a better understanding of why it was "bad" to be doing that, in which I then was very afraid of getting in trouble, within seeing the context of when why my sibling was going to go tell the father. long story short, the father came in and spanked me, yelled at me, and punished me for doing this. Now as we all believe mostly, is that there's nothing wrong with punishment. The reality is, is that punishment is a way of enslaving someone to do something in what they perceive to be "right", in which teaches the child to go into an enslavement process for the parents to take full control of the child, in which the child eventually will have to submit to the enslavement. Children obviously stand up for themselves many time, and at all times, they are trampled and fucked into the enslavement system, into the sins of the fathers that their parents learned, in which those children will teach to their children, and further on down the gene pool. So anyways, this was a big point of where I had perceived the punishment as me being "bad", and the expression I was trying to express as "bad", and therefor, this was simply something I mentioned, because it was a turning point in my life as traumatic as it ws being so small and being in such a vulnerable state of expressing sex with a sibling, in which I feared my father even more.
So another turning point was when I saw that the cat that my parents had as a pet, was suffering internally/ I saw the reality that animals could see the abuse in this world, and reflected the atrocities in which the family system operates, and this world system operates as a whole - war, famine, manipulation through bullshit such as love and light, and positive messages and "I'm doing it because I love you, and therefor you should love me to, I'm the authority over you, you are my child" in which I have discovered the dynamics of how the system in this world as a whole function, and being around my family so much, seeing how this operated in the family to keep each other enslaved from actually standing up for what's best for all life/best for themselves as a living expression, a life essence. So I saw that the animals could see this point, in which I responded by feeling helpless of what I was seeing, yet had no tools or direction to define what it was I was purely experiencing as a child, and as most children, they simply are passified by the parents through bullshit information, in which becomes apart of the preprogramming of children when they become adults, in which I obviously was equally influenced by.
Now already, we see that there is a separation within ourselves from who we are. There's moments in our life when we were small innocent children, where we would explore and try to express ourselves, but the parents would create a split personality system within the child through their words, their behaviors towards the child, and the resonance of themselves in that the child picks up, and at this point has fallen into having given up on their life essence and purity "so to speak". This shows that there's definitely something wrong in the system we currently live in. have a look - half the world is starving, and no one bats an eye, the tv tells us that we aren't good enough as we are, the school system is a military authoritarian system which will make sure at all cost that we never are self directive and strong as functioning living beings, the family structures are mostly abusive as there are family rivalries, gossip in the family, separation in the family, there's war and famine in which innocent people die by the thousands per day in horrific deaths, and the very family structure is the core problem, and creation of all of this.
So back to my life progress in age, and where my influence to where I came up to where it all began in the process f mental health.
So at the age of 6, my parents divorced, which this seemed very traumatizing as well at the moment, in which my mother had made it to be "not a big deal, this is just mommies and daddies issues and we must simply divorce", in which this created even further suppression within everything that I had been preprogrammed up to this point. I'll make the story a bit more simple a quicker since I've laid out the context of how we are all preprogrammed as children until adult hood, 28 years old specifically.
So the school system was certainly apart of my life. throughout elementary I went through many experiences that would define who I was "meant to be" today, which in reality I do still have some of those memories and experiences in which are the fundamental parts of my mind conciousness system today. it really started when I was in junior high as I realized more of myself, and was becoming more self aware of the mind, as at this age more thoughts would come up as they wouldn't as a younger child, and obviously the whole survival based system of who's superior in the school as male or female was being installed into my ideas and belief systems as "who I should be", as well as the installment of what the schools would brainwash each children into believing. In 8th grade I finally smoked weed. Oh yes, it was a nice experience, in which I would listen to music when I first smoked, and of course didn't understand what I was experiencing on the weed. However, it was a changing point of my life, because, as all drugs feed the mind consciousness system, they obviously will escelate the problems as they suppress emotions in which are self destructive, and yes, even the positive ones. So throughout 8th grade until 12th grade, I became more self conscious, in which I started to question things like - "why are we so mean to eachother?", "why do I have certain feelings", "why is the world the way it is?", in which I started to become extensively depressed, and would have a falling low point in my life as a teenager.
Eventually I graduated early at a school that allowed students to get through school quicker, because I simply couldn't handle the school system, the peer pressure. It was simply too much for an adolescent that was seeing the world more for what it is to handle, in which at this point I still very much had an extensive point of confusion about the world.
To take it back to my earlier ages, say around 11 years old. I have always been into music growing up, but finally picked up the guitar at 11. This influenced some creative practical thinking skills, in which helped develop my personal intellect. It was a point eventually though, where I would start researching videos on musicians like Andy Mckee, Jimi Hendrix, and would start entering a world of music. Eventually I would start coming across information about conspiracy theory videos when I was looking into music, which immediately sparked my interest as I had questions about how the world really was. I came across a man as many may know named Alex Jones. this was the life changer as to where I lead up to where it all began - desteni.
One night I was researching videos on conspiracy theories involving potential false flag attacks on the Olympics in 2012 in london. I came across a video by a man named "Marley dawkins". He was talking about all sorts of of the wall shit like "love is bullshit because no one in this world FOR REAL loves eachother, its all deception, the Olympics conspiracy thing is simply a distraction from discovering the change within ourselves" shit that I absolutely couldn't conceive as anything, as I've never been taught the vocabulary or context of what he was even saying. This obviously busted my preprogrammed little mind bubble. "OH NO, I CAN'T LOVE MY MOM, I HAVE TO GIVE IT ALL UP", lol. Obviously I saw this as clear truth, because the reality is, is that we all use love and light and bullshit to hide from the real darkness of it all, to go from high, and then to low, and then to love, and then to sad, or anger. The brightness keeps the slaves blind "so to speak"
So after watching the video, I remember him mentioning a group of people called "desteni". I went to the link he had for the group, and ended up finding the group through facebook. This absolutely changed my life. This group was talking about all sorts of shit I didn't understand. Stuff like "what's best for all life" and "world equality". I had no context of how that would even be possible. Obviously I was searching for answers, and so I began investigating a little bit, but not much, as I started applying a tool that they were teaching and posting called "self forgiveness". So I would immediately start to write "I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself - whatever point came up within myself.
I didn't fully understand how self forgiveness worked, and so I would just do it as what I thought it was supposed to be done like, which really I was doing it write, but its a skill within itself after all to understand the full dynamics of how it effects ones mind consciousness system, and what one must understand how it transcends fears into living expression.
So I would post vlogs and Blogs of my self forgiveness and what I was experiencing and going through on my fb wall, and on the forum, until eventually, I met up with a man. He had told me "the group is bullshit". Obviously this threw me off being 17 years old and in a vulnerable state of being open to all information and seeing what was "the truth". So I reacted, and went into panic "oh no I don't know what is real or not", in which I started questioning the group about what it was teaching, in which I still didn't understand even when they supported me. Eventually I came to the conclusion that I would voice suicide to the person who told me the group was bullshit. he called the cops, and off I was to my first mental hospital stay.
I will continue the blogs every day/night. I'm a bit tired and running out of energy, and so I will end here. I will send a link to the desteni group here, and one may investigate themselves for what they find in the group. Regardless, I will continue with my personal process with desteni, and mental health, and go into where the real intense and fucked up experiences mentally came in through this blog.
Thank you.
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